How To Find Good Love

If you are still looking for your true love, if you are single and don’t want to be, then be open to saying Yes to someone who doesn’t look like, feel like, behave like, work at, or do anything like all the other people you’ve been with before.

This is especially important if you have ever been co-dependent, been enmeshed in caretaking, have had little sense of yourself as a distinct person separate from your love interest, and if you thought you needed others to complete you. 

And this is also for you if you’ve been attracted to people who demonstrate the worst traits of your early caregivers, or if you only noticed bad boys and wild girls who eventually treated you poorly.

Why Am I Writing About Love?

Love heartPeople with body image, food challenges or with compulsive behaviours often want to know how they will find true love, as they are healing from their challenges.

They are looking for love.

What they long for and really need above all else, though they might not be conscious of it, is to love themselves as they are. 

So, if you’ve found yourself finally clear enough about  and living your own values, participating in life and dealing with its shifting realities, and someone asks you out who resembles the people you’ve never noticed, go for coffee. 

When, over time they show up kind, thoughtful, attentive, gentle, loving, sweet and never disappoint, and when the child or best friend you trust the most likes them too, slow down even more and get to know them.

If You Freak Out

Now, they might freak you out a lot, and you may not know what to do, so grab a friend who knows you well to remind you that someone is treating you nicely, and that this is not a problem. 

Then, bestow a little of your own kindness and compassion for the way this new person is not like anyone else you have ever met, perhaps even seriously not mainstream, and exercise patience.

In time, you will get to know them more, and they will shine like no one else, love you for the chance you gave them to be loved and known, and this might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

The love that grows between you will bring your bodies together in unexpected ways too, so don’t worry about how it will all work out.

Love is a real turn on.

And if they come with a pet, turning you into an animal lover – a self-discovery you could never have imagined – who knows what else might be revealed?

Love on.

Over To You

Are you looking to find love? What types of people do you get attracted to? What would be the complete opposite?

How can you appreciate yourself on a daily basis?

I would love to hear from you.

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For my one true love, Donald. Happy Birthday Beloved One.

© Miriam Linderman 2015

 Photo credit: qthomasbower / Foter / CC BY-SA

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  1. This is a great post, Miriam. I have absolutely found this to be true in my life. It was definitely a learning curve. One of the great classrooms for me in this department was having a sound healing center for 7 years. Before that I had always worked out of my home and now I had a space that was open to the public. Not only have I seen the truth in what you are saying in intimate relationships but also in friendships. I had a lot of events at the center- workshops, classes, meditations, performances, group healing clinics- and sometimes people would show up who I thought I would never “hang out” with outside of the center. Sometimes I felt they were irritating or obnoxious and I had to let go of any of “my stuff” around that and welcome them. They were there because there was something there for them and that is what I was offering, so my personal opinion or first reaction really didn’t matter. It was my job to welcome them and do whatever I could to make them feel comfortable and glad to be there and I did that. Through that process I made some very dear friends whom I would NEVER have gotten to know otherwise and learned a huge lesson around being patient and taking the time to really get to know someone rather than giving too much energy to my own first response (or judgment, which is really closer to the truth!).

    And then of course there is the other side to it- when something just doesn’t FEEL right- so discernment is huge. Learning to really pay attention to our response- asking ourselves, “Is this discomfort I’m feeling MY stuff or is there actually a big red flag here?” Another learning curve!

  2. I love what you wrote here Rosie. You took it one step further and underlined how important it is to notice, rather than judge, and to suspend judgment until we can see what’s us and what’s them.

    Discernment is key. And paying attention to one’s gut, intuition, spidy-sense or whatever we call that.

    Thanks for commenting.

  3. Lovely post Miriam and so much needed by many people, including me. I have many friends who are in very loving and long term relationships and I have great respect for their choices, even if they are with people I wouldn’t be interested in. I have had my fair share of difficult and turbulent relationships and when I was younger I read and re-read Women Who Love Too Much as it often was brutally right! I agree that if we continue looking for the same type of person then we will continue to find ourselves in the same sort of situation. The only way is to be open to new sorts of people and to be honest with ourselves about whether or not we are happy and feel loved when we are with them, or whether we are in a constant turmoil about ‘when will things get better?’

    Great image – and I love the simplicity of this post – not a simple subject but you write about it so clearly.

    Best wishes Kate

  4. I do remember that book, Kate, so clear about co-dependence and people pleasing. We don’t get conscious until we do, unfortunately. How many of us learn to watch out for people who make us feel the way we did in our family of origin (perhaps high drama, or cold and distant) and to see that for what it is? The complexes/triggers can suck us into a vortex of pain for a long time. Thanks for commenting, Kate.

  5. Beautiful post, Miriam 🙂 I really like what you say about dating someone “who resembles the people you’ve never noticed”. When we do what we always did we get what we always had, as someone wisely put it.

    I’m lucky to have very good love in my life today, but I’ve had my share of turbulent relationships in the past, and it took me a long time to get used to this no-drama kind of love 🙂

  6. Me too. From great drama to no drama. Peace feels good now, doesn’t it Ann-Sofi?

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