You’ve been trying one dress after another, and not one of them makes you feel good enough. Your bed is piled high with discards.
You’re coming out of the shower. You look at your reflection in the mirror and quickly wrap the towel around you. You’ve seen all that you want to see.
Your skin looks like a war zone. You reach for the cover-up liquid and let’s face it – it can’t hide the lumps.
By the time you get together with your partner, your mood is in the toilet and you’d rather not be seen or go out.
Getting Crazy
Can you imagine the vibe you’re putting out there? Of course you know.
You leave your bathroom, bedroom, whatever place you’ve been in to join your partner, and nothing they say makes any difference. If you dare to tell them how you feel.
They’ve heard this all before, and they’ll reassure you, but it doesn’t mean much.
Because really, you know that they may love you, but you don’t love you, so they are mainly being kind or irritating. Though it feels good to hear it.
And then sometimes, though it feels good to hear it, it doesn’t hold.
When you get to the party or whatever social event has been planned, your eye is on everyone else. You look at all the beauties in the room with the perfect skin, body, smile, and you lose every time.
You watch your partner interacting with others, notice his eyes looking at someone up and down – or at least that’s what you think you see – and your mood tanks. You reach for the nearest drink, cake, whatever is at hand because it doesn’t really matter.
You tell yourself your partner can’t really love you. You don’t trust her. How can she, with you looking the way you do? Suddenly, you’ve made her the enemy.
Stop The Lies
Along time ago, I had a friend who found partners easily. I wanted to know her trick, how she did that.
Smile, she told me. Just smile. She was telling me to be friendly and warm. It wasn’t so complicated.
What I learned was simple. Be warm, be caring, be real. In fact, what works for partners also works for friends, for service providers, for strangers and for our pets.
People care more about who you are and how you treat them than they do about how you look.
If you spend all your time focused on your physical flaws, you will lose the opportunity to make connections with others, which is your real job in the first place.
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In social situations, focus on one person at a time, and listen. Instead of paying attention to your internal dialogue, listen with your heart. How curious can you get about them and their lives? You don’t have to be nosy. Just be genuinely curious and interested. What are you curious about?
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If you believe that your partner will be attracted to another person because of how you look, focus instead on your behaviours. Are you being warm, kind, loving, interested in them?
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Stop making up stories about what others think of you. You will never know. You are not a mind-reader. Use your imagination wisely and for good. What can you make up instead? Expect that they will respond to your caring heart, and watch the miracle happen.
As you spend more time on building your heart’s capacity than worrying about your body, your whole life experience will change. You will trust your partner, your friends, and moreover, yourself.
And, if your life feels out of control, you don’t need to do this alone. Connect with me here.
Over to You
What will you do differently after reading this post? Write in the comments section below.
When you write, readers learn that they are not alone. Be vulnerable. It looks good on you.
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© Miriam Linderman 2014
Top Photo credit: gordonflood.com / Foter / CC BY
Bottom Photo credit: Arbron / Foter / CC BY
I can so relate to this over the years. Not so much noticing my man looking at other women, but more me comparing and despairing myself, or feeling any compliment does not hold any water: ‘Have you seen the cellulite underneath these jeans? If only you knew how ugly my legs were’…that kind of stuff… Interestingly, as I get older, I can look back at photographs etc and wonder why I was so bothered back then, when I now compare them to my ageing body… So, it seems like it will only get worse for me, unless I change my perspective around comparisons and benchmarking myself to cultural conditioning of the perfect body etc. So these pointers are useful. Thank you x
Lisa, when it comes to my/our aging bodies, I tell mine how grateful I am that I can dance and that I am healthy and I honour every wrinkle and scar. When I had to have a duct removed from one breast 2 years ago, I kept telling my breast that I loved her, and that I would love her no matter how the surgery went or what I would look like afterwards. I work hard at treating each part as if it were a beloved little child of mine, because if I don’t, how will my dear body respond to being despised? Love is what this earth needs. I wish for you this: That you reject what is not good and those aspects of society that are wrong for your soul. You probably already do. Perfectionism is an aspect of patriarchy, the “shoulds” and it makes us sick and wrong. The antidote is the symbolic inner great mother, whose eyes of love hold us. I am no different than you. I work hard at holding space for new ways of being. Love every inch of you and make it up until you do. You are so worth loving. Thanks for showing up here so vulnerably. I love the work you do in the world. Your art is gorgeous and so are you.
I am touched and moved and thank you for such a lovely response xxx
Ah, the discarded pile, Miriam. You had me at hello! This really resonates – not so much from the partner angle – just from a sense of not always being entirely comfortable in my own skin. I had ‘food issues’ when I was much younger. That’s passed. But some of the emotions around food and body image still exist. What will I do differently as a result of reading this post? For now, know that I am far from alone. Thank you for posting.
Yes, Lisa, you are not alone. For some of us, it may take a long time if not a lifetime to become relaxed in our bodies and with our bodies. Accepting. It always helps me to remember how my body works so well, despite aches and pain, and then I can love her/me and do the best I can for her, with kind words and deeds. Sometimes, drinking more water is the act of love for the day. What about you? xo