i
The death
of my mother
has magnified
everything –
my life past
my life to come.
The wreckage
left behind
by the person
I became,
too strange
too uncomfortable
looking for
a magic pill
to make
me normal.
Not enough
therapy
gurus
rituals
recovery
relationships
could make
it so.
I am on
a precipice
looking up
for grace
and mercy.
ii
My mother’s
death
magnifies
everything.
Walking home
a wasp
stings
the top
of my foot
spreads
sudden
jaw-dropping
venom
just as
I consider
the many ways
I have failed
my daughter.
Stop it!
shouts
my mother
shocking me
to presence
with a wasp.
What penance
will pay
the price
for all the ways
I have failed
at loving?
And how
will self-forgiveness
find its way
to my heart?
iii
I know
that these extremes
and judgments
will quiet down
with passing days
and I will see
with kinder eyes.
But I am perfectly
willing to own
and feel
these sobering
truths.
I know that
I am more
than my sins.
And though
I cannot
repair the past
I can hope
to make
a lesser
mess
though I will
surely need
divine assistance
and perfection
will never
be a goal.
In such moments
of intense regret
only angels
can carry
my hope.
July 22, 2018
